I'm so sorry I haven't written. I just haven't known what to say about the Sox early demise. It was so completely unfathomable - those last moments. The set up was perfect for the Sox - they love to win with their backs against the wall & Paplebon on the mound. I haven't been able to let my brain process it.
It's funny - I expected my son to be catatonic, and he wasn't at all. He's still loving baseball, and rooting for the Yankees now - his "second favorite team."
And it hasn't been devastating for me either. For whatever reason - it happened so fast, it was so utterly sad - my mind has formed a kind of protective shield, refusing to let me compute. The moments are blacked out. Once in a while I think about it. Did it really happen? And I confirm that it did (there they are on television, going on without us, without heart). And then poof. Back into my cloud. I move on.
There are breakups that I feel the same way about. I look back and think - wow, did that really happen? Did he really do that? Was he really so utterly disappointing and untrue? Did I really go through that? And moments where I remember I did (a friend in grief after a failed relationship and I know I have been there, shelled like that, because I know everything she's feeling).
I can understand these blackouts - see them as a miracle really, the brain acting to protect us from the places our hearts just can't go. Self preservation.
But what about the blackouts after good times? We recently got our wedding pictures back, and it was amazing - the whole day was a blur. I remember sensations and emotions, but I look at these pictures or try to recreate the day (one of the happiest of my life), and I can't, it's just lovely fragments, shards of pretty glass.
I don't know why I can't remember this - I suppose it's the excitement, the emotion, the largeness of it all, the lack of sleep, the number of people I spoke to and smiled at. And every once in a while, it kind of dawns on me all over again, and I hear myself saying in my head "I'm married to this man!"
It's a dream you wake up from and wonder - could this really have happened? And the answer is yes. The Sox are done until pitchers and catchers report again. And he's really, really mine.
